03-04-2009, 07:11 PM
Hello again to all of you budding thespians. Hard on the heals of my last effort two years ago comes 'Horatius at the Bridge', a one act, twelve scene spectactular which would surely work better on the radio than on stage, which was nonetheless performed on stage (sort of) on Saturday 28th February 2009 (the other night in other words).
There are no reviews at present other than to say that it was happily performed with the usual array of silly newspaper hats, broom handles and large cardboard props and featured the usual ham acting and rather-too-obvious hand held scripts, which was all taken rather well by the enthuisiastic and appreciative audience. There may be photographs but as I spent at least part of the play theatrically 'swimming' across the floor I really could not say.
Anyway, without further ado, here is the play:
Horatius at the Bridge
Dramatis Personae
Lars Porsena - King of Clusium and over-king of Etruria
The Consul - The chief official of Rome and leader of the army
Horatius - A noble young Roman
Spurius Lartius - Another noble young Roman
Herminius - Yet another noble young Roman
Scene 1 - Etruria
Lars Porsena: I am Lars Porsena, king of Clusium and over-king of Etruria and I am bothered.
Rome is getting too big for its boots and the only way I can stay so powerful (not to mention good looking) is to stop the Romans from spreading out and taking over.
I know! I will raise an army and go over and pummel them until they agree to accept that big is beautiful and they are too small and ugly to be big.
(Walks around and shouts)
Loyal city of Pisae, send me your warriors!
Loyal city of Cortona, send me your men of steel!
Loyal city of Arretium, send me your brotherhood of bronze!
Proud swordsmen of Ciminian Hill, roll your way down to me!
Ciminians: Here we are.
Lars Porsena: Hi there. Glad to see you could make it. Right now – lets go and burn some villages.
(They walk off)
Scene 2 - The Senate House, Rome
Senator 1: We are the Senate, the stalwart fathers of Rome.
Senator 2: We sit in judgement in matters of law and order.
Senator 3: We represent the gravity, history and strength of Rome.
Senator 1: We have heard of the great king Lars Porsena, how he marches this way, hoping to scare us.
Senator 2: We have heard he hopes to make us wet ourselves.
Senator 3: But we will show him that Romans are stern and strong and always have dry nights.
Senator 1: What’s that over there?
Senator 2: Ooh – I think it’s Lars Porsena and his men.
Senator 3: Ooh!
All: Quick – run for it!
(They run away)
Scene 3 The Bridge abutment
Consul: I am the consul of Rome, top bloke and chief of both the army and the city. No-one has a bigger brain or bigger muscles than me.
By the way, this is may favourite bridge. It was built strong by Roman hands and it is the gateway to my wonderful city.
Lictor 1: So is this where we march out to fight Lars Porsena?
Consul: In a bit.
Lictor 2: So if this is the entrance to Rome, and it crosses the river Tiber to where Lars Porsena is, can he come and visit us over the brigde and have a look around our great city?
Consul: Yes, of course he could and … oh!
Lictor 1: We’ll have to destroy the bridge before he comes across.
Consul (looking at the lector): But my bridge, my lovely bridge…
Lictor 2: Come on Consul – be strong. You are a Roman!
Consul (strengthening): You’re right! What a good idea that was. I always knew I was clever. Come on men. Let’s get this bridge down.
Scene 4 The far bank of the Tiber
Lars Porsena: I am Lars Porsena, king of Clusium and my men and I have reached the river Tiber! We will cross the bridge and walk straight into Rome. Then we will show it just how small, ugly and downright smelly it is!
Scene 5 The bridge abutment
Horatius: Hi there Consul. What are you doing?
Consul: Hi there Horatius. I’m knocking down this bridge so Lars Porsenan can’t get in.
Horatius: That’s a shame. I like this bridge.
Consul: So do I.
(They both look lovingly, perhaps even lustfully, at the bridge)
Consul: I wonder if we could use rat poison instead.
Horatius: Worth a crack I suppose. Hey! Lars Porsena’s coming across.
Consul: Whoops! Give me a hand with this bridge.
Horatius: Tell you what. I’ll go and hold them off for a while, while you deal with the bridge.
Consul: Right-o then. Good luck
Scene 6 On the bridge
Horatius: I am Horatius and I am a Roman! I will hold you perfumed Tuscans of and beat you back. I may be only one man alone but I will show you!
Spurius Lartius: Hi there Horatius. I thought I would wander over and give you a hand.
Horatius: Oh hi Spurius Lartius. Nice to see you. Ha ha – see you perfumed nancies. There are two men to oppose you now – be afraid!
Herminius: Hi Horatius. My cousin told me you were over here so I thought I would stroll over and join in.
Horatius: Herminius – Nice to have you aboard. It’s quite a party now. What have you brought with you?
Herminius: Well, I brought some wine.
Spurius Lartius: And I’ve brought a cake. Lars Porsena’s got some trumpets over there so I think we’ve got a good party going here.
(Spurius Lartius and Herminius get into a party mood)
Horatius: Stop! This is no party! We have to fight the Etruscans.
(They fight against the enemy)
All: Take that! Get back! Got you – now don’t do it again etc. etc.
Scene 7 At the bridge abutment
Consul: Gosh! This bridge is hard work. It’s very strong. I wish the Welsh had built it now.
Lictor 1: We’re getting there Consul.
Consul: Good man! Keep it up.
Scene 8 On the bridge
Horatius etc: Take that! Get back! I knew your mother! See if this fits! Got you! Etc.
Scene 9 The far bank of the Tiber
Tuscan 1: Forwards – across the bridge for the great Lars Porsena!
Tuscan 2: What’s going on at the front there?
Tuscan 3: Back! Back! Horatius is horrible! Get back – get away!
Scene 10 The bridge abutment
Lictor 1: Consul, it’s nearly done!
Lictor 2: Yes Consul. The bridge is nearly down.
Consul: Excellent work men! Right then. Horatius, Spurius Lartius, Herminius – back you come. We’re done.
Scene 11 On the bridge
Spurius Lartius: Hey! We’re being called back. It’s done then. I’m off!
Herminius: Great! I’ll race you back! Come on Horatius! Last one back has to fight the Persians!
Horatius: Go if you want, but I am a Roman, and I will stand strong and stern against the enemy, uncaring about my own life and determined that the enemy will know the stern heroism of Rome in the face of perfumed barbarism. – Oh – hang on – I really am on my own.
(The bridge collapses)
Whoops – the bridge has collapsed. What to do now? Ah – Bye Lars and co. It was nice knowing you.
(He jumps into the water and swims)
Scene 12 On the near bank of the Tiber
Spurius Lartius: Horatius has jumped into the water! I think he might be drowning!
Herminius: Oh no! He’ll pollute the river.
Spurius Lartius: No wait – I can see him! He’s alive and swimming this way
Herminius: Go Horatius!
(Horatius pulls himself up onto the river bank)
Horatius: Ahh, ohh, ashore at last. Although – that water tasted surprisingly good.
Spurius Lartius: Horatius – hero of Rome
Herminius: Horatius – we will honour you with land and a statue that will last down the ages. And you can have my bottle of wine as well.
All: Horatius! Horatius! Hero of Rome!
There are no reviews at present other than to say that it was happily performed with the usual array of silly newspaper hats, broom handles and large cardboard props and featured the usual ham acting and rather-too-obvious hand held scripts, which was all taken rather well by the enthuisiastic and appreciative audience. There may be photographs but as I spent at least part of the play theatrically 'swimming' across the floor I really could not say.
Anyway, without further ado, here is the play:
Horatius at the Bridge
Dramatis Personae
Lars Porsena - King of Clusium and over-king of Etruria
The Consul - The chief official of Rome and leader of the army
Horatius - A noble young Roman
Spurius Lartius - Another noble young Roman
Herminius - Yet another noble young Roman
Scene 1 - Etruria
Lars Porsena: I am Lars Porsena, king of Clusium and over-king of Etruria and I am bothered.
Rome is getting too big for its boots and the only way I can stay so powerful (not to mention good looking) is to stop the Romans from spreading out and taking over.
I know! I will raise an army and go over and pummel them until they agree to accept that big is beautiful and they are too small and ugly to be big.
(Walks around and shouts)
Loyal city of Pisae, send me your warriors!
Loyal city of Cortona, send me your men of steel!
Loyal city of Arretium, send me your brotherhood of bronze!
Proud swordsmen of Ciminian Hill, roll your way down to me!
Ciminians: Here we are.
Lars Porsena: Hi there. Glad to see you could make it. Right now – lets go and burn some villages.
(They walk off)
Scene 2 - The Senate House, Rome
Senator 1: We are the Senate, the stalwart fathers of Rome.
Senator 2: We sit in judgement in matters of law and order.
Senator 3: We represent the gravity, history and strength of Rome.
Senator 1: We have heard of the great king Lars Porsena, how he marches this way, hoping to scare us.
Senator 2: We have heard he hopes to make us wet ourselves.
Senator 3: But we will show him that Romans are stern and strong and always have dry nights.
Senator 1: What’s that over there?
Senator 2: Ooh – I think it’s Lars Porsena and his men.
Senator 3: Ooh!
All: Quick – run for it!
(They run away)
Scene 3 The Bridge abutment
Consul: I am the consul of Rome, top bloke and chief of both the army and the city. No-one has a bigger brain or bigger muscles than me.
By the way, this is may favourite bridge. It was built strong by Roman hands and it is the gateway to my wonderful city.
Lictor 1: So is this where we march out to fight Lars Porsena?
Consul: In a bit.
Lictor 2: So if this is the entrance to Rome, and it crosses the river Tiber to where Lars Porsena is, can he come and visit us over the brigde and have a look around our great city?
Consul: Yes, of course he could and … oh!
Lictor 1: We’ll have to destroy the bridge before he comes across.
Consul (looking at the lector): But my bridge, my lovely bridge…
Lictor 2: Come on Consul – be strong. You are a Roman!
Consul (strengthening): You’re right! What a good idea that was. I always knew I was clever. Come on men. Let’s get this bridge down.
Scene 4 The far bank of the Tiber
Lars Porsena: I am Lars Porsena, king of Clusium and my men and I have reached the river Tiber! We will cross the bridge and walk straight into Rome. Then we will show it just how small, ugly and downright smelly it is!
Scene 5 The bridge abutment
Horatius: Hi there Consul. What are you doing?
Consul: Hi there Horatius. I’m knocking down this bridge so Lars Porsenan can’t get in.
Horatius: That’s a shame. I like this bridge.
Consul: So do I.
(They both look lovingly, perhaps even lustfully, at the bridge)
Consul: I wonder if we could use rat poison instead.
Horatius: Worth a crack I suppose. Hey! Lars Porsena’s coming across.
Consul: Whoops! Give me a hand with this bridge.
Horatius: Tell you what. I’ll go and hold them off for a while, while you deal with the bridge.
Consul: Right-o then. Good luck
Scene 6 On the bridge
Horatius: I am Horatius and I am a Roman! I will hold you perfumed Tuscans of and beat you back. I may be only one man alone but I will show you!
Spurius Lartius: Hi there Horatius. I thought I would wander over and give you a hand.
Horatius: Oh hi Spurius Lartius. Nice to see you. Ha ha – see you perfumed nancies. There are two men to oppose you now – be afraid!
Herminius: Hi Horatius. My cousin told me you were over here so I thought I would stroll over and join in.
Horatius: Herminius – Nice to have you aboard. It’s quite a party now. What have you brought with you?
Herminius: Well, I brought some wine.
Spurius Lartius: And I’ve brought a cake. Lars Porsena’s got some trumpets over there so I think we’ve got a good party going here.
(Spurius Lartius and Herminius get into a party mood)
Horatius: Stop! This is no party! We have to fight the Etruscans.
(They fight against the enemy)
All: Take that! Get back! Got you – now don’t do it again etc. etc.
Scene 7 At the bridge abutment
Consul: Gosh! This bridge is hard work. It’s very strong. I wish the Welsh had built it now.
Lictor 1: We’re getting there Consul.
Consul: Good man! Keep it up.
Scene 8 On the bridge
Horatius etc: Take that! Get back! I knew your mother! See if this fits! Got you! Etc.
Scene 9 The far bank of the Tiber
Tuscan 1: Forwards – across the bridge for the great Lars Porsena!
Tuscan 2: What’s going on at the front there?
Tuscan 3: Back! Back! Horatius is horrible! Get back – get away!
Scene 10 The bridge abutment
Lictor 1: Consul, it’s nearly done!
Lictor 2: Yes Consul. The bridge is nearly down.
Consul: Excellent work men! Right then. Horatius, Spurius Lartius, Herminius – back you come. We’re done.
Scene 11 On the bridge
Spurius Lartius: Hey! We’re being called back. It’s done then. I’m off!
Herminius: Great! I’ll race you back! Come on Horatius! Last one back has to fight the Persians!
Horatius: Go if you want, but I am a Roman, and I will stand strong and stern against the enemy, uncaring about my own life and determined that the enemy will know the stern heroism of Rome in the face of perfumed barbarism. – Oh – hang on – I really am on my own.
(The bridge collapses)
Whoops – the bridge has collapsed. What to do now? Ah – Bye Lars and co. It was nice knowing you.
(He jumps into the water and swims)
Scene 12 On the near bank of the Tiber
Spurius Lartius: Horatius has jumped into the water! I think he might be drowning!
Herminius: Oh no! He’ll pollute the river.
Spurius Lartius: No wait – I can see him! He’s alive and swimming this way
Herminius: Go Horatius!
(Horatius pulls himself up onto the river bank)
Horatius: Ahh, ohh, ashore at last. Although – that water tasted surprisingly good.
Spurius Lartius: Horatius – hero of Rome
Herminius: Horatius – we will honour you with land and a statue that will last down the ages. And you can have my bottle of wine as well.
All: Horatius! Horatius! Hero of Rome!
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