Bonekickers go Roman

[Carus Andiae]

Predictably dreadful.

Well, a brief resume for those unlucky enough to have missed it:

Opening caption: England v. Italy AD61. (We're off to a good start) We see a big fire, some screams and a couple of Eagle Standards (nothing like the real thing, naturally) and a Roman soldier in a good Gallic helemt but leather armour.

Back to the present day, and it's Valentine's Day in Bath (and presumably everywhere else, although I wouldn't take anything for granted in Bonekicker World).

An unexpected Earth tremour opens up a route in the Celtic caverns which have long been known to be there, but always inaccesible. The place might collapse at any moment, access is forbidden by the engineer. Naturally the Bonekickers decide to do an unauthorised dig. They find numerous Celtic artefacts (a ring, a belt buckle) and a human jawbone. Sexist Archaeologist Man in Hat (I can't remember his name, nor do I really care) and Attractive Black Girl (ditto) go off to get the test the jawbone, because SAM "does a good strontium [analysis]". Meanwhile Gillian and Ben carry on, find a tiny hole, go in, place collapses and they're trapped. Hoorah! But sadly not for good.

They find a mosaic of a female Celtic warrior with Cupid. Earlier, it's revealed that an ancient text suggests that a Roman soldier, engineer and inventor called Quintanus supposedly found Boudica, (they're very smug in being able to point out that 'Boadicea' is wrong) who had actually not killed herself, but gone into hiding following her defeat. Gillian decides he imprisoned her down in the hole as a sex slave (because Romans are EVIL!!!) but a cupid in the mosaic demonstrates that actually they were in love, and Quintanus was keeping her hidden there. They flee a mysterious toxic gas (smashing the mosaic to escape) and find some mysterious jars. Gillian decides they're canopic jars (because canopic jars were used widly in Roman Britain, of course). But they turn out to be Roman handgrenades (naturally) which Quintanus had invented. Carefully picking their way through a hoard of these grenades (which are leaking, causing the gas - I think, although it was all a bit of a blur) they come to a chamber were they find Boudica herself, miraculously preserved by the minerals in the water as a red 'Pompeii body cast' style figure. A flashback reveals that they were discovered by a Roman (who was EVIL!!!), Boudica killed himself and then Quintanus killed the other Roman and fled, sowing the floor with his bombs as booby traps. Meanwhile some guff about ancient manuscripts and some Icenii coins found at the Golden House in Rome demonstrates that Quintanus went to Rome and started the Great Fire as revenge for Boudica's death. (Previously, according to SAM, we knew it had been started by the Christians). Then a line deleted by the author of the Life of Quintanus, but surviving as an imprint in a 17th century copy (what??) reveals a secret entrance from which Gillian and Ben escape, having set fire to Boudica somehow. Throughout this there was some anguished talk between Gillian and Ben about their failed university romance, but I wasn't really paying attention. Christmas trees were involved in it somewhere.

The whole things finished off with a moving speech from Ben abotu scientific dreamers and leaps of faith, which basically amounted to "If archaeologists can't find the evidence, they should make it up."

The usual nonsense, overall. Quintanus aside, it was Romans bad, Celts good. The Romans were EVIL!!! because they burnt villages (unlike Boudica, who burnt towns... oops, they seem to have overlooked that) and sought to obliterate the native culture (Romano-British gods, anyone? Sulis Minerva ring a bell?) Dodgy archaeology and history, implausible situations, weak humour, bad script and... basically what you'd expect.