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jokes, please...
#46
Not a Roman joke but ..........<br>
<br>
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.<br>
<br>
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,<br>
<br>
"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"<br>
<br>
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,<br>
<br>
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"<br>
<br>
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,<br>
<br>
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"<br>
<br>
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on ." <p></p><i></i>
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#47
Another ......... aparrently true<br>
<br>
<br>
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."<br>
<br>
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.<br>
<br>
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.<br>
<br>
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.<br>
<br>
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.<br>
<br>
<br>
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.<br>
<br>
"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.<br>
<br>
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'<br>
<br>
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that<br>
I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin?, Damn...is it midnight already?" <p></p><i></i>
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#48
And last but not least .........<br>
<br>
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.<br>
<br>
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.<br>
<br>
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.<br>
<br>
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.<br>
<br>
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.<br>
<br>
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."<br>
<br>
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" <p></p><i></i>
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#49
For work reasons this joke comes to my mind periodically.<br>
<br>
A very lonely fellow decides to buy a talking parrot.<br>
He goes to the largest pet shop in town and asks the clerk to see the selection of parrots.<br>
<br>
- How much is this one?<br>
- $100 sir!<br>
- Hmm (not cheap). What does he do?<br>
- Speaks fluent english sir! Nice British accent! The one over there speak English as well but with New York accent. He comes at only $75.<br>
- And what about this other one?<br>
- $200 sir! Speaks English and excellent German as too!<br>
- And this other one?<br>
- $500 sir! Four languages: Standard English and three romance languages: exquiste French, beautiful Italian and lively Spanish. Actually he is quite good in Portuguese too!<br>
- WOW!!!! Hmmm.... Hey what about that parrot up their in the top cage?<br>
- Sir, you have a good eye for birds! He is quite special and comes at $2000. A real deal!<br>
- 2000?? Boy! and what languages does he speak?<br>
- ... well sir, to be honest I never heard a word from him. But...<br>
<br>
...the others call him PROFESSOR.<br>
<br>
<br>
Hee hee<br>
<br>
<p></p><i></i>
Jeffery Wyss
"Si vos es non secui of solutio tunc vos es secui of preciptate."
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#50
In the heavens Jesus suddenly realizes he hasn't seen his earthly father for 2000 years.<br>
<br>
- His name is on the tip of my tongue... What is?<br>
He summons some angles.<br>
- Do any of you guys remember his name and whereabouts?<br>
- No sir. When he arrived he just mingled and settled down. He was so quiet, nice and calm that we sort of all ... (blushing) forgot about him.<br>
- Well I wish to see him! He was the right guy for the right job. A truely good man (angles nod). I do want to pay repects to him every now and then. Go and search and bring him! No no... Tell me where he is and I will humbly go to him! Remember: he is an old man, a carpenter!<br>
<br>
The angles spread out. After a while the head angle returns and reports to Jesus giving him a map with indications. Jesus goes to the address. Approaching slowly he hears working tools and smells freshly cut wood and polish and many pleasant childhood memories begin to return. He enters the shop and sees a old man with a pleasantly nice old face...<br>
- Dad? Is that you?<br>
<br>
<br>
- PINOCCHIO?!<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<p></p><i></i>
Jeffery Wyss
"Si vos es non secui of solutio tunc vos es secui of preciptate."
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#51
Jesus and St. Peter are catching the latest golf game on TV (or whatever they watch up there!). They both agree that it looks like fun, and it's been too long since they played a few holes. So after the tournament ends they head down to the course to hit a few.<br>
<br>
Jesus' ball ends up right by the lake, across from the green. He pulls out his nine iron. St. Peter says, "What are you doing with a nine iron? You'll drop it right in the lake!"<br>
<br>
"No, I won't!" Says Jesus. "Tiger Woods just made this very same shot with a nine iron!"<br>
<br>
"Well, go ahead, it's your ball," says Peter.<br>
<br>
Jesus hits, and sure enough, the ball pops up and comes down right in the middle of the lake. Muttering a few unholy words, Jesus starts to walk across the water to retrieve his ball, as Peter hides a smug look.<br>
<br>
Another golfer sees this, and comes over, mouth agape. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"<br>
<br>
"Oh, he IS Jesus Christ", says Peter--"He THINKS he's Tiger Woods!" <p></p><i></i>
Matthew Amt (Quintus)
Legio XX, USA
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.larp.com/legioxx/">http://www.larp.com/legioxx/
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#52
Two Australian nuns are on a driving holiday in Europe and they find themselves driving through the mountains in Transylvania late one night.<br>
<br>
As they are travelling slowly along a winding mountain road a vampire leaps from the forest trees, jumps on the hood of their hire car and bares his fangs at them.<br>
<br>
"Quick!" says the first nun, "Show him your cross!"<br>
<br>
So the second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off the %&#ing car, you stupid wanker!" <p>Tim O'Neill / Thiudareiks Flavius
<BR>
<P>
Visit 'Clades Variana' - Home of the Varus Film Project<BR>
Help create the film of Publius Quinctilius Varus' lost legions</p><i></i>
Tim ONeill / Thiudareiks Flavius /Thiudareiks Gunthigg

HISTORY FOR ATHEISTS - New Atheists Getting History Wrong
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#53
I've never been good with jokes but i have marked some exams which were a tonic at the time. And these are not the urban myth types - seen with me very own eyes<br>
<br>
well i can only remember one and the other was seen by a colleague - although it does fall into the urban myth category<br>
<br>
Discussing a (not quite so) well known battle.<br>
<br>
'Hanibal's brother Margo exposed himself and took the Romans from behind'<br>
<br>
'Ephialtes allowed the Persians to use hi back passage which had previously only been used by goats and sheep'<br>
<br>
Both (except for the sex of Hannibal's brother) quite right if rather indelicately (and hilariously) put. After three days of no sleep its amazing how close you can come to killing yourself laughing. <p>It is an unscrupulous intellect that does not pay Antiquity its due reverence - Erasmus of Rotterdam</p><i></i>
Murray K Dahm

Moderator

\'\'\'\'No matter how many you kill, you cannot kill your successor\'\'\'\' - Seneca to Nero - Dio 62

\'\'\'\'There is no way of correcting wrongdoing in those who think that the height of virtue consists in the execution of their will\'\'\'\' - Ammianus Marcellinus 27.7.9
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#54
Oh, yeah, Muzzaguchi, those are good! My sister is a college professor, too, and she does get some howlers now and then.<br>
<br>
And I have one more variation on Goffredo's last, and then I have to get back to work!<br>
<br>
Jesus is strolling down a street searching for his roots, and spots a carpenter building a deck on a house. And the guy looks familiar! Jesus goes up to him and says, "Excuse me, but you look really familiar."<br>
<br>
The carpenter is startled, and says, "Gosh, YOU look really familiar, too! Hey, go like this--" standing with his arms straight out to the sides, spread-eagle. Jesus, standing with his back to the house, does so.<br>
<br>
The carpenter whips up his nail gun and--BWACKA! BWACKA!--puts a big one through each of Jesus' wrists!<br>
<br>
"Gotcha again!!" <p></p><i></i>
Matthew Amt (Quintus)
Legio XX, USA
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.larp.com/legioxx/">http://www.larp.com/legioxx/
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#55
Seen by my cousin, who teaches small kids:<br>
"The zebra is an equidistant animal".<br>
And now, a divine joke.<br>
Extenuating circumstances, it was told me by a dominican friar..<br>
<br>
The Virgin Mary is sort of bored in Heavens so she goes ask St Peter if maybe she could go back down on Earth for the evening.<br>
"Where d'you want to go?" asks St Peter.<br>
-"I thought about London", says the Virgin Mary.<br>
"OK, says St Peter, but be back here at midnight.. And be careful with them Londoneers.."<br>
At midnight, St Peter hears a knock on the door.<br>
"Who's there?" He asks.<br>
-"It's the Virgin Mary."<br>
The next day, the Virgin Marys asks St Peter to go to Paris for the evening.<br>
"Paris? Hmmmm.. They have a bad reputation there but well.. OK. Be careful and be back before midnight.."<br>
At midnight St Peter hears a knock on the door.<br>
"Who's there?" He asks.<br>
-"It's the Virgin Mary.."<br>
The next day the Virgin Mary asks St Peter to go down to Rome, visit the Pope.<br>
"Rome? Says St Peter, of course you can go to Rome!"<br>
At midnight, no one is there. St Peter waits.<br>
At two o'clock in the morning he hears a knock on the door.<br>
"Who's there?" He asks.<br>
-"It's Mary."<br>
<p></p><i></i>
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#56
Dumb maybe, but be forewarned : if you start giggling, you are DOOMED..<br>
www.knplogic.co.uk/are_u_mad.html<br>
<p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showLocalUserPublicProfile?login=antoninuslucretius>Antoninus Lucretius</A> at: 8/28/02 12:15:06 pm<br></i>
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#57
<br>
<br>
A man walk up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.<br>
<br>
The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why.<br>
<br>
The suervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on ow your hair smells?"<br>
<br>
The woman replies."He's a midget"<br>
<br>
<br>
Ualete,<br>
<br>
Titus Sabatinus Aquilius <p></p><i></i>
TITVS/Daniele Sabatini

... Tu modo nascenti puero, quo ferrea primum
desinet ac toto surget Gens Aurea mundo,
casta faue Lucina; tuus iam regnat Apollo ...


Vergilius, Bucolicae, ecloga IV, 4-10
[Image: PRIMANI_ban2.gif]
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#58
This urine bleaching debate reminded me of that one:<br>
<br>
-Sir I am afraid you'll have to leave, says the public swimming pool attendant to that gentleman sunbathing.<br>
-UH?! And why should I leave?" asks the guy.<br>
-Because you peed is the pool, sir".<br>
-AH! Like if I was the only one to pee in the pool..<br>
-From the top of the diving board, yes sir, you're the only one. <p></p><i></i>
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#59
Goffredo,<br>
<br>
I'd pick the norwegian blue...Lovely Plumage! <p></p><i></i>
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#60
Good News Bad news,<br>
<br>
The slaves on a Roman CARGO ship were rowing (as usual) when the slavemaster finally gave them their 5 minute break (every two hours or so, if he's in a good mood).<br>
<br>
"Well boys, I have some good news and some bad news"....<br>
The slaves resting, one says "Lets hear the good news?"<br>
<br>
The slavemasters sez "The good news is that the Captain is going to give you a one hour lunch break today, the Bad news is, after lunch, the Captain wants to go water-skiing".<br>
EM<br>
<p></p><i></i>
Caius Fabius Maior
Charles Foxtrot
moderator, Roman Army Talk
link to the rules for posting
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