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TITVS SABATINVS AQVILIVS · 07-31-2002, 08:56 AM

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to 
him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde 
and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" 
The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." 
 
Ualete, 
Titus Sabatinus Aquilius

08-01-2002, 01:00 PM

A very short one: 
 
"The Three Musketeers are the following two: 
Athos". 
 
Go figure..

08-01-2002, 01:06 PM

A longer one: 
Larry and Bill are playing golf. Larry bet a thousand bucks he'll beat Bill to the 18th hole. 
They are at the 18th hole and nearby is a road. As Larry is about to putt for the victory, a funeral passes by on the road. 
Larry immediately takes off his cap and stands respectfully while the funeral passes by. 
-"C'mon Larry, stop that bullshit and play, we ain't got all day.." Says Bill. 
-"You've got to understand, Bill", says Larry, "I was married to that woman for twenty five years."

scythius · 08-01-2002, 11:05 PM

A Scythius original: 
 
A roman soldier walks into a brothel in Herculaneum, steps up to the house-owner and asks: 
 
"How fast are your girls?" 
 
The madam's reply: 
 
"About four miles an hour..." 
 
Bah-dah-boomp! 
 
Scythius 
M. Scithius Antiochus 
Decanus - CON II 
LEG~IX~HISP (USA)

08-02-2002, 01:33 PM

It's in Las Vegas and this guy is panhandling in front of Caesar's Palace. "Can you lend me a hundred bucks? Can you lend me a hundred bucks?" 
Of course no one pays any attention until a police patrol passes by. The officers inform the gentleman that panhandling is forbidden. 
-"It's for my wife, he explains. She has a heart condition and needs a special medecine and she has forgotten the damn thing back home in New York and now I need a hundred bucks to buy it". 
-"Well, sir, that's understandable, says the cop, but if by any chance someone is willing to lend you the hundred bucks, how can you guarantee you're not going to gamble with it?". 
-"Gambling? says the guy, Oh, I've got gambling money!"

08-09-2002, 12:49 AM

A newly wed husband and wife have left on their honeymoon. they arrive at the mansio that they'll be staying in and are in their room undressing for the night. the groom takes off his pants and tells his bride, " here, try these on for size." she pulls them on and says," these don't fit me, they're way too big!" 
"....and don't you forget it!" the husband replies. 
the wife then removes her panties and says, "your turn, try these on". 
the husband can't pull them past his thighs and says, "I can't get into these!" 
 
"...And you won't until you change your attitude!" the bride exclaims!

08-09-2002, 03:25 PM

Mars, that trumpet joke was funny!!!!!!!!! 
 
E EM 
_____________________________________________ 
The Way of a Warrior is based on humanity, love, and sincerity.
The heart of martial valor is bravery, wisdom, love, and friendship.
-- Ueshiba Morihei
 
_____________________________________________

08-10-2002, 12:15 AM

I still don't get the trumpet one... "Only Trajan could go to Dacia." 
 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

Gaius Octavius Drusus · 08-11-2002, 06:42 AM

What is the difference between a plebian and a patrician: 
 
when a patrician commits a crime, he says: "I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove a thing, man" 
 
when a plebian gets caught, he says: "Yes, I did it. you got a problem with that?" 
 
Gaius

***satsobek*** · 08-14-2002, 02:51 AM

Well, this isn't really a joke exactly... but some of them may appeal to the more cynical amoungst us.. 
 
www.murphys-laws.com/

08-14-2002, 12:49 PM

That trumpet joke is very philosophical, I think... 
It demonstrates something very deep and fundamental. I still don't know what, but I keep searching. 
And now for some british humour: 
It's the heyday of the colonial era and this young captain's mission is to announce to this old british lady that her son has been killed in Africa during a rebellion of the Baluba tribe. 
-"I am afraid m'lady that you son has been killed in the field of honor", says the captain. 
Being an old british lady she keeps a stiff upper lip. Takes a sip of tea then asks: "How was he killed, captain?" 
-"He was hanged by the Balubas, ma'am". 
-"Bloody savages, they didn't even hang him by the neck."

Catiline · 08-16-2002, 10:16 AM

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN. 
 
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET. 
 
 
Women - A Chemical Analysis. 
 
 
Element: WOMEN 
 
Symbol: WO 
 
Discoverer: ADAM 
 
Atomic mass accepted as 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg. Copious quantities in all areas. 
 
 
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES. 
 
 
1. Surface usually covered with a paint film. 
 
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason. 
 
3. Melts if given special treatment. 
 
4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 
 
5. Found in various states, ranging fron virgin metal to 
 
common. 
 
6. Yields to pressure applied to the correct points. 
 
 
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES. 
 
 
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and a range of 
 
precious stones. 
 
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 
 
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning 
 
and for no known reason. 
 
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increases by 
 
saturation in alchohol. 
 
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. 
 
 
COMMON USES. 
 
 
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 
 
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 
 
3. Very effective cleaning agent. 
 
 
TESTS. 
 
 
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the 
 
natural state. 
 
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. 
 
 
HAZARDS. 
 
 
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 
 
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can 
 
be maintained at different locations, as long as the 
 
specimens do not come into direct contact. 
 
 
SAFETY CONTROLS. 
 
 
1. Keep at a safe when in a volatile state. 
 
2. Isolate from sources of wealth. 
 
3. Never store more than three together 
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Catiline · 08-16-2002, 10:18 AM

An OLD one... 
 
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. 
 
 
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. 
 
 
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of hristmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. 
 
 
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor? 
 
 
 
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. 
 
 
Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. 
 
 
 
 
 
MEN KEEP'A SCROLLIN...... 
 
 
 
 
 
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either. 
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08-16-2002, 03:53 PM

To both of those.... 
 
"Only Trajan could go to Dacia." 
 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

08-16-2002, 04:01 PM

A business man is in a bit of a rush to catch a plane for an important meeting in Pittsburgh. He runs over to the ticket booth at the airport, and to his astonishement, there is a stunningly beautiful blonde, with rather large endowements working the register. Being completely flustered, he blurts out "I need a picket to Titsburgh!!!" Awkwardly, the woman gives him the ticket, and the man, being all uncomfortable heads over to the bar to have a quick drink to calm his nerves. 
 
After ordering a drink, the bartender sees his state and asks him what's wrong. The man replies "Well, I was buying a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, and there was a gorgeous blond at the till, and I accidently said I need a "picket to titsburgh". 
 
The bartender shakes his head and replies "Hey, happens to us all man." 
 
An elderly man sitting a few places down the bar says "Yup, happens to me all the time. I was sitting at the table eating breakfast with my wife the other day, when having asked me how the food was, I yelled out "You damn b*#$&h you ruined my life!" 
 
"Only Trajan could go to Dacia." 
 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

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